Doorman husband won't close the door on cheating

DEAR AMY: My husband is almost 70 years old. I just found out that he has been fooling around with other women at his job. He is a doorman in an apartment building.

He says it means nothing - that it's just "free booty in the elevator." He doesn't want to break up our marriage. I was going to leave him. He said he would die without me. We live near where he works, so everyone knows he's married. I learned he's been doing this for almost 20 years. He fools around only with the women who work in the building. He does not go out at night - he comes straight home after work and says he is very happy in our marriage. I'm trying to stay in the marriage. I'm under a doctor's care and trying to cope. He won't change, and I know he'll never leave me! What kind of woman accepts this type of relationship?

--Sad Wife

DEAR SAD: I can imagine wanting to stay in a long marriage where there is a tremendous emotional investment. There are also valid practical reasons to stay in a marriage. However, your husband is not only unrepentant about his elevator booty calls, but according to you he lacks the ability and intention to change.

I disagree. Any of us is capable of change, given the proper motivation. You should supply him with this motivation.

Your husband is sleazy and unethical on the job. Beyond your anger and sense of betrayal, surely you are recalibrating your personal estimation of him. He should be given a clear directive about his options. He should also agree to meet with you and a professional counselor. If he wants to stay married, this is how he could do it.

While you're working things out, you should consider stepping up your presence in his professional life - if you're available, you might want to bring him coffee at unexpected times and perform your own unannounced elevator inspections.