Double struggle to get past wife's affair

DEAR AMY: I have recently found out that my wife of more than 10 years was having a sexual affair. This has completely destroyed everything I believed in. I thought we had a perfect marriage because we got along so well. I made the decision to stay with her and try to make things work. It has been some time since the truth came out and our lives are slowly getting better, but there are still thoughts of mistrust I can't get over. I am also trying to rebuild our relationship. She says she still needs to get over her actions before we can move on, but I struggle with that because it should be me trying to get over her actions. How backward is this? How do we move on if we both want our marriage to work?

--Depressed and Confused

DEAR DEPRESSED: It's rich, isn't it? Your cheating wife needs time to process her grief over the ending of her affair before she can be a full partner in your marriage.

And yet, she does need this time. And you will be forced to submit to this process and be patient while she grieves and feels guilt over a relationship she never should have had in the first place.

This situation scores very high on what I like to call the Grand Meter of Life's Injustices.

This is absolutely not fair to you. And you deserve as much support as you can muster while going through this process.

Counseling (both individual and joint) will help, but beyond counseling I suggest you spend time with friends -- friends who will hear your story, share the emotional burden, commiserate and support you.

If you are lucky, you have at least one male family member or friend who fits the bill.

A book you could read and also give to your wife is: "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart," by Douglas K. Snyder (and others), (2007, The Guilford Press).

DEAR AMY: "Sleepless in Chicago" raised the perennial issue of reclining airline seats. As the airline representative you quoted says, what's new is how little space there is now between seats.

Better advice to those who feel they must make up for that space by forcing themselves uninvited into the space of the passenger behind them would be: a) give fair warning, b) not recline all the way, c) don't leave your seat back for the whole trip, and d) if the middle seat in the row behind you is unoccupied, move so you are in the middle seat, and then recline away.

--Frequent Flier

DEAR FREQUENT: This issue raised the hackles of scores of readers, and your recommendations are excellent. Thank you.