Dying to know what killed co-worker

DEAR AMY: A business associate I'd worked with for more than 12 years died last week. His obituary said he died "suddenly." He was only 58. I'm 77. I attended the reception at the funeral home, during which I met and spoke briefly with his wife, daughter and three sisters.

It didn't seem appropriate to say what I was thinking: "I can think of more than 50 ways to die suddenly (stroke, heart attack, auto accident, suicide, etc.). Would you mind telling me which way my friend died?" It is so sad to have a friend die, but somehow it's worse if his death is a mystery. I'm sure his friends and business associates would be more comfortable if they knew. I called the funeral home today and asked about the cause of death. They told me they were ethically obligated not to reveal personal information. Sometimes I can guess at the cause of death if the obituary says, "In lieu of flowers, you may contribute to" a specified illness-related group. My pal's obituary suggested donating to an animal shelter. How can I discreetly determine my friend's cause of death? And why don't obituaries list the cause of death? It would be helpful to genealogical researchers in the future and provide useful information to people like me who knew the deceased but were not immediate relatives or neighbors.Reader in Rochester

DEAR READER: Your curiosity is a natural reaction to the shock of this news because an answer -- any answer -- would help make sense of this.

Woodward and Bernsteining it to the extent of calling the funeral home is carrying things a bit far, however.

Don't take your curiosity any further. If this family wanted to discuss the cause of death with people outside the inner circle, they would. You should respect their wishes.

Genealogical researchers (and others) have to look to places other than obituaries for answers on how people die; death certificates issued by the state list the cause of death.