E-mail - don't ambush - birth father

DEAR AMY: I have a daughter who is in her 50s. Her birth was the result of a relationship I had in high school. She's never officially met her father. At 18, she went to his office (he's a lawyer) to introduce herself and wish him a happy birthday. He told her that he did not have a daughter. My daughter is now married, has two sons and a grandson. She'd like to meet him again so that he can know his grandsons, but she does not know how to go about it. Do you have any suggestions?

--Wondering Mother

DEAR WONDERING: Let's start with the worst idea and work backward. The worst idea is to ambush a man at his workplace to wish him a "happy birthday" and introduce yourself as his daughter.

Because you provide no context, I'll assume that this was the misguided idea of an 18-year-old in pain and eager for a connection. I hope you didn't encourage this episode.

Taking this tack again - this time with grandchildren and great-grandson in tow - would be ill-advised.

Your daughter needs to sort out her reasons for wanting to know her father and prepare herself for the full range of possibilities in meeting him.

This man is now much older, and it is quite possible that he would value a connection with his daughter and her family, but she should try to imagine how surprising, overwhelming and potentially painful this could be for him. It could turn his life and other relationships inside out.

He has denied her once and might do so again.

I'm going to assume your daughter knows how to reach this man. I think a letter or e-mail would be best for the initial contact with him. She could carefully craft a message, read it over a few times, attach photographs and invite him to be in touch with her.

Your daughter's instincts are understandable. A counselor would help walk her through this and provide support.