Ending the sexual drought in her marriage

DEAR AMY: I love my husband of 20 years. He's a good man. He is intelligent, well read, a good husband (for the most part) and a good father. I know for certain my husband isn't gay, but for the better part of our marriage, we've not had sex on a regular basis. This pattern began within the first two years of our marriage (until then, we were totally hot for each other).

I don't know why he has experienced this early loss of libido; I know I am still eager to have a sexual relationship with him. I am still attractive -- and so is he. I've been living without sex for many years and have never been unfaithful. I see myself as an ethical person. I don't want to end my marriage, but self-gratification isn't the same as a one-on-one sexual relationship.

Over these many years, we've discussed this problem, but nothing has changed, so would it be unethical for me to seek sexual gratification elsewhere?Wondering (not Wandering)

DEAR WONDERING: Discussing the extreme sexual drought in your marriage is one thing. Doing something -- anything -- about it is another.

Does your husband want to try to recover his libido and sexual function? Has he had a conversation with his doctor about it? Are you two willing to speak to a marriage counselor or seek sex therapy together?

If you took traditional marriage vows, then you will recall the phrase "for better or for worse." In a loving marriage you each have a duty to try your hardest to maximize the experience for yourself and your partner. This does not mean you are both guaranteed a wonderful sex life -- or any sex life. Intimacy comes in many forms; as painful as this is for both of you, facing this challenge together could deepen your marriage.

If your husband agrees for you to seek sexual gratification outside your marriage, then your choice is on the ethical end of the spectrum (though it would place additional challenges on your relationship). If you decide to pursue this and keep it a secret from him, then it is decidedly unethical.