Ex-wife's online date's a real concern

DEAR AMY: Last fall, my ex-wife started Internet dating. After meeting a guy once or twice, she wanted to bring him home to meet the kids. Our children (13, 20 and 21) were against meeting him, saying it was too soon. I begged her to do a background check on this guy, and she refused, saying she was an excellent judge of character. After she had been seeing him for a couple months, I did the background check, and the guy has an extensive record, including arrests for domestic violence (one guilty plea) and a police report alleging attempted rape. She continues to see this individual and blames me for the kids' not wanting anything to do with him. I want to protect my children, but last time we went to court, the judge scolded me for running the background check! What should I do?

--Worried Father

DEAR WORRIED: I'm going to assume that you two are tussling over custody/visitation concerning your youngest child. If everything you say is true, I agree that your wife is showing terrible judgment. None of your children should ever be forced to spend time with someone.

But you should not surveil your ex-wife and police her personal choices -- unless they have a direct impact on the kids. You and your ex must abide by the court's decisions; and if you don't like the court's decision, you must work through the system to challenge it.

DEAR AMY: When I read the letter from "Annoyed," I thought it was about my life. My parents also micromanaged my life into my adulthood. Finally, I had enough. First I drew obvious limits: "I won't take your calls late at night." Then I told them, "I'll call you every Sunday, without fail." Eventually, we all adjusted.

--Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Clarity, firmness and respect. Good for you!