Find a loving way to voice your complaints

DEAR AMY: I'm a third-year college student in a serious relationship. My boyfriend is wonderful for the most part but there are certain things that he does that bother me. I was always taught to tell someone when you don't like what they are doing and that's what I find myself doing a lot with him. He wasn't raised that way. He was raised to keep his mouth shut and deal with it. So when I tell him about things that he does that bother me, he gets extremely upset and thinks that I hate him and I'm always having a problem with him. Should I just keep my big mouth shut or stick to my teachings?

--Ungrateful Girlfriend

DEAR UNGRATEFUL: What if your boyfriend said to you, "It really bothers me when you tell me things I do that bother you." Would that statement satisfy your desire to always state what's bothering you - and would it get you to at least modify your behavior? Because when your boyfriend gets upset, he is telling you what bothers him. You just don't seem to like it.

In a loving relationship, stating your needs, likes and dislikes is a dance. I agree that it is important to air concerns or issues, and sometimes even petty annoyances are easily dealt with as long as the other person knows what the stakes are.

But there are times in a serious relationship where you just have to suck it up, take the long view and realize that if you complain regularly about matters large and small, at some point your annoyances aren't as important as the fact that you are being annoying.

Your boyfriend takes your complaints very much to heart. You should always be proportional when you state your annoyances or preferences, and you should do so thoughtfully and lovingly.

In my household, complaints are often turned inside out and prefaced with, "Can I make a suggestion?" I find this exceedingly annoying, but it also seems to get the job done.