Focus on your father's care, not his money

DEAR AMY: I have a shaky relationship with my sister. She has a history of dishonesty. She has stolen from me and was caught shoplifting. We were estranged for several years but have recently begun to re-establish a relationship. She is the primary caregiver of our father, who is in declining health and lives near her. I live in another city. Because she is in charge of his finances, I worry that she will take advantage of the situation when he eventually passes away. When the time comes, how do I ensure that any payments to his estate (from the previous sale of a home) are divided between us equally? Given her history, I don't trust her, but given the instability of our friendship, I'm concerned that if I bring it up, she'll shut off communication and cut me off. How do I make sure my father's wishes are respected? He has a will. I have tried broaching the subject of his final wishes with my father, but he's showing signs of dementia. Should I contact an attorney?Distrustful Sister

DEAR DISTRUSTFUL: Your father may have decided to divide his assets unequally. Before getting an attorney involved, you should keep your eye on the current situation, which is your father's care.

Visit your father to see if he is receiving the care he requires. When he needs more, will your sister be able to handle it? Can you help? A professional geriatric care manager can help the two of you come up with a plan - and of course your family will have to figure out how you will finance it. His financial records need to be accessible to both of you.

If your sister is caring for him full-time, this will be draining and stressful for her. Should she be compensated for the care she is providing for him? You don't mention that you value what your sister is doing for your father. If you approach her with the idea that the two of you should be partners in his care, this will go a long way toward building an open relationship.