Frustrated by a wife repulsed by sex

DEAR AMY: I have been happily married for 35 years and still love my wife. She went through menopause 12 years ago and lost all interest in sex. She feels repulsed by it. Before that, we had a happy sex life. She has seen medical specialists, tried medications and psychiatry, but nothing has helped. Meanwhile, my desires have only multiplied. I have been true to her and have not wanted to hurt her by going outside our marriage for sexual fulfillment. However, after a dozen years of this, I have reached the end of my tolerance and all I think about is sex. Since there is an expectation in marriage of sexual fulfillment, am I wrong to consider going outside my marriage for relief? I know I would suggest this to my wife if the roles were reversed, but I also know she would be devastated if she found out I was going to another woman for sexual release.

Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I can imagine that this is not only sexually frustrating, but also heartbreaking for both of you.

You say your wife has tried various remedies for her sexual aversion, but you don't mention any efforts you have made to address this as a couple.

You also don't mention your own individual effort -- aside from the idea that you would look outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment.

The good news is that your wife seems to be open to addressing this problem. This is a problem the two of you share, however, and your marriage is at risk. You two should see a therapist together.

An experienced therapist will not be thrown off by your wife's aversion and your response, and will coach both of you with a goal of reviving your sexual connection.

There are many books offering some perspective on this fairly common problem. One I like is "The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido," by Michele Weiner-Davis (Simon & Schuster, 2003). Read it and share it with your wife.