Girlfriend's old 'infidelity' eats away at him

DEAR AMY: Is there a statute of limitations on infidelity? Before I met my girlfriend, she was in a three-year relationship with her previous boyfriend.

About six months into our relationship, she broke a date with me because her ex-boyfriend contacted her, saying he was leaving town for good and that he needed to see her one last time. She agreed, despite my opposition. I was upset. We talked about it at length, and she apologized for hurting me. This happened a year and a half ago. We've since fallen in love and moved in together. Recently I've found out that she actually wound up sleeping with her ex that night. I feel used and neglected all over again. I have no reason to believe she has ever been unfaithful since. I truly believe she loves me, but if I had found this out that day, I would have ended the relationship. I'm burdened with confusing feelings of sadness and anger, and I am afraid it is going to affect our relationship. How can I rationalize ending a relationship, or even bringing this up, when it happened so long ago? She doesn't know I know. She is happy, and, until I found out, I was happy, too. What should I do?

Keeping Up Appearances

DEAR KEEPING UP: You might think that intimacy is defined by being in love, living with and sleeping together.

Being intimate with someone means you have to be brave enough to bare the unsettled, upsetting or disappointing aspects of your true feelings.

You say, "I've learned this about you, and though it happened a long time ago, I'm devastated and need to talk about it." You don't have to end your relationship over this (though, depending on how she reacts, you might choose to).

Your relationship will be affected by this encounter, however. If you two weather this rough patch and manage to behave lovingly through it and afterward, the intimacy you gain will bring you closer.