Grown sons' homecoming bugging mom

DEAR AMY: I have two grown sons in their 20s. They both moved out of the house last year. When they come home for a visit, they bring their laundry (which is fine), and they also bring their dogs (not so fine). One of my sons just lays on the couch while he's here and doesn't do anything, while I'm in the kitchen cooking and the dogs are under my feet. The other son does help out, and I feel bad because he starts getting mad at the lazy son and then it starts conflict in my house. My husband believes they are guests and shouldn't have to help do anything while here. I believe that is not true! When I go to their homes, I bring food and help clean up.

Every time I ask my son to do something, my husband does the task instead, because he hates the tension. I hate being stuck in the kitchen while everyone is having fun. Please help resolve this conflict in our house so we have a better time while my sons visit.Mortified Mom

DEAR MOM: Consider this a transition to adulthood, which you will nudge your sons toward.

I think it's pretty normal for young adults to bring laundry home (it's a great opportunity to visit mom and dad and leave with clean duds), but you should not be doing their laundry for them. Show them how to use the equipment and let them do their own laundry.

If you want to cook for your sons, then let that be your special gift to them while they visit.

A parent should never hesitate to ask their offspring to lend a hand.

When your husband denies your sons the opportunity to be useful to you, he impedes their growth.

Because this issue seems to rest most heavily on your shoulders, you (not your husband) should talk to your sons -- together, over a meal -- about how you would like these visits to go. Don't do this when you're upset; frame it as a common sense reaction to the current issue.