Has man she fled really changed?

DEAR AMY: I recently left a two-year relationship with a man who has unresolved anger and family issues. We fought for months before I ended it. I left him because our fights started escalating to the point that he would shove me to try to get his point across; alcohol was involved. I realized this was wrong. My friends have commended me for leaving him. He has since gone to see a counselor to deal with his issues, including drinking. I have not spoken to him since I ended the relationship. He has written me several letters telling me his counselor has helped him do some soul-searching. He says he knows that the way he was reacting to me was completely wrong, he has gotten his drinking under control, and he wants another chance to show me that things can be better. I do love this man, but I am afraid that if I give him a chance, we will fall back into the bad pattern we had before. He is a smart person with a great job. For months I encouraged him to talk to someone to deal with his personal issues so we could have a healthy relationship that could possibly lead to marriage. He has finally done so, and that gives me hope. Even so, I find myself wondering if people ever really change. Do they? On the Fence

DEAR ON: If I didn't believe in change, I'd give up on my diet and continuous spiritual quest, retire this column and finally sleep in.

The most prudent way to gauge someone else's change is to trust, but verify. I don't think it is enough for this man to get his drinking under control -- he should stop drinking. It will take more than some soul-searching sessions with a counselor to effect permanent change.

At the very least, you can acknowledge his efforts. If you want to renew a relationship with him, be prepared for resistance from your friends and family -- they will worry about you. If you do this, reviewing your troubled relationship history with him and his counselor would be wise.