He finds wife sexy, but she disdains sex

DEAR AMY: I'm 56. I've been married for more than 20 years. We haven't made love in more than eight years. Is our sex life over forever? When I bring this up, she says we're not communicating. If only we were connected more, she says. What does that mean? One time we took a two-hour hike together. She felt ever so slightly more connected to me that day but not enough for sex. I love my wife. She's put on weight in the last 20 years, and I know it bothers her, but I think she's beautiful and sexy. Sex is one of the only ways I know to show my love and to show that I am loved. I do get to demonstrate my love in other ways, like making her tea when she's sick or buying her jewelry. We share kitchen chores and carpooling. And I never leave the seat up! We haven't even kissed more than a quick peck at the departure gate at the airport. What I'd give for a 10-minute kissing session. Sad

DEAR SAD: Your wife needs to realize is that sex itself can be a way to feel connected and to communicate. Men sometimes use a sexual connection as a way to communicate. Women tend to see a sexual connection as the result of happy communication.

Life -- kids, chores, work and family -- muddles this intimate connection. You can try to initiate a new one by putting your duties aside and, for instance, lighting a candle, holding hands, and talking and whispering to your wife.

Devote 10 minutes each day to looking her in the eye, stroking her hand and asking questions and listening. And, yes, 10 minutes of kissing (without the pressure of sex) would be wonderful. The reason hiking together eased your connection is because it was just the two of you, outside your home, having a new experience together. Can you share more experiences like this? More physical intimacy (eye contact, hand-holding) will bring you closer. You both crave connection, but you'll have to be intentional and behave differently to get it. A marriage counselor could help.