He's hurt by her in vitro secret

DEAR AMY: My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have three young children.

We had difficulties getting pregnant so we used in vitro fertilization. They were all high-risk pregnancies, so my wife was on strict bed rest for four to five months with each pregnancy. After our second child was born, we had a few conversations about having a third child. I wasn't ready to have another child at that time and told her so. Unfortunately, my wife forged my signature on the clinic paperwork for the embryo transfers and never told me.

I only found out by contacting the fertility center after the fact.

I've tried numerous times to get her to go to marriage counseling to talk about this and other problems, but she won't go because she feels that whatever problems we have are my fault. I love my kids and don't want to do anything that would jeopardize their happiness and growth. I don't want to lose any time with them. But I just can't get over the fact that having our third child wasn't a mutual decision and my feelings didn't matter. I'm not sure what to do when there is no good outcome.

Sad Dad

DEAR SAD: You are correct that there is no "good outcome" from this, but it is necessary to confront the issue directly. Sweeping this fraud and its underlying hubris under the rug will not work. Even if you manage to stay married, your sense of self and the dynamic with your wife will become untenable unless you both openly deal with her actions.

Were employees of this clinic aware that your wife had forged your signature? If they were, they also have participated in this fraud. See a lawyer to investigate custodial issues. A competent therapist will help you articulate your sorrow about your wife's behavior and weigh your options -- legal and otherwise. Your wife made her choices. But she does not get to decide what you will choose to do to restore integrity to your life.