He wants to help wife deal with aging mom

DEAR AMY: My wife and I retired last year. We moved my wife's mother, who is 95 and has dementia, from another state into assisted-living near our home. Our lives have changed dramatically. I want to be helpful and supportive of my mother-in-law's care, but my wife is there from one to three times a day, and I visit about every other day and have her over to visit us often. We recently went on our first vacation in a long time, and when we returned, my mother-in-law informed us that we were never to do that again. I'm afraid my wife thinks the same. Her assisted-living place does a fine job, but my wife says they don't do everything she would do. My wife's temper seems to be directed at me mostly, and I don't feel it is fair to me or our marriage. I know she is under a lot of stress caring for her mother, but should our marriage be put on hold? This does not seem healthy. Is there a book I can read to help me understand a bit better?Very Sad Husband

DEAR HUSBAND: You have perfectly described the toll that caring for an elderly parent takes on the entire family. If your wife doesn't figure out how to pace herself, your relationship and her physical and emotional health will suffer.

I agree you both must pay attention to your marriage. You need to be extra patient and loving. Understand her anger, but ask her to express it appropriately. Take care of your wife -- and encourage her to take good care of herself. If she visited one less time a day, she could take a yoga class, go swimming or just spend time winding down.

A caregivers' support group would be valuable, as would a weekly date night, where you visit with her mother together and then go out afterward.

Read "The Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers: Looking After Yourself and Your Family While Helping an Aging Parent," by Barry J. Jacobs (Guilford, 2006).