Help! My teen daughter is trampling me

DEAR AMY: I have an almost-15-year-old daughter. I understand that teenagers need to become independent and don't want their parents in their lives (unless it's to buy them something or take them somewhere), but how do I stop feeling so trampled on and distant from my daughter? She does OK in school, is "popular" and has a boyfriend. I'm just so sad that my only daughter seems to be pulling away from me, and the more I try to engage her, the more she says it's better not to talk about our distance because "all we do is argue." My husband is very supportive of me, and he feels frustrated, too. Can you help?Wondering MomDEAR MOM: Teenage girls sometimes act like despots of the household, and their moods rise and fall according to myriad conditions -- many of which you will never know about. But they still need -- and must have -- limits, boundaries and consequences.

Everyone wants to feel "heard." And teenagers respond well when adults listen with interest and don't comment or offer advice or suggestions.

Ask your daughter her opinion about things. And even if she doesn't answer or is snide or rolls her eyes and walks away, she will remember being asked, and she may come to you two hours later with an answer.

You cannot be your daughter's best friend right now. But you can -- and should -- be her mother.

You may feel ignored or taken advantage of, but you will have to learn to overlook some of the obnoxiousness, focus on the positive stuff, pick your battles with great care and lay down reasonable consequences when she is disrespectful.

I highly recommend the book, "Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager," by Anthony Wolf (2002, Farrar, Straus and Giroux).