Helping an adult son leave home

DEAR AMY: Our child, a 26-year-old son, lives at home. He works part time and can afford gas, car insurance and outings with his friends. We pay for all his living expenses.

He sleeps until 11 a.m., when I wake him. He claims to have issues sleeping at night and says he can't get going in the morning, but his dad and I feel he will ruin his life if he does not start getting up and living during the daytime. He is pleasant but will only do chores he likes. If he got a full-time job, or worked two or even three part-time jobs to become independent enough to pay a fair share (or even better for his sake, be able to move out), we would feel better. He tries to walk away when we discuss anything serious. He got a college degree at the time they became useless and now plans to get a two-year degree or certificate that will get him a career, but we think he has to push himself to change habits so he can sleep at night. Can you add your voice to ours?--Upset Mom

DEAR MOM: Well, I'm shouting pretty loudly on my end, but not at your son. My voice is directed toward his parents. You refer to and treat your son as a "child." He is 26 years old.

I suggest that you and your husband wake up and treat your son like the adult he is. You owe him an apology: You did not help to prepare him for life when he was younger and now he needs his mommy to roust him out of bed.

He needs a plan -- but you should not provide this for him. All you need to do is give him a timetable for moving out or actual consequences for staying home. Tell him, "You're a grown man. You have two months to move out. We will give you the car but not pay any other expenses. You can make it." If you can't bear to part with him, present a nonnegotiable of working 40 hours a week (he can do this with part-time jobs) while living at home. Nonnegotiables only work when attached to consequences.