Her ex-lover excites her; her husband doesn't

DEAR AMY: I have been married for 19 years. I have three awesome kids and a husband who loves me. Our marriage has been very rocky, though, and there were many periods without intimacy. A year and a half ago, after 17 years of never even looking at another man, I went looking for excitement with no strings attached. What I found, however, was a man who grabbed me by the heartstrings so deeply that I became someone I never thought I could be. I ended up lying to him about my marital status. My husband found out and called to tell him I was married. I was forbidden to talk to him and he didn't fight for me - at all. It is now three months later and my husband has chosen to forgive me. Unfortunately, no matter what I do, I can't get this other man out of my head. I want to do what's best for the family, but I don't think it's fair to long for someone else while you are supposed to be committed to another. I have been in counseling, I've prayed and I'm keeping myself as busy as I can, but my thoughts keep running back to him. How do I fall out of love with him? If I can't, am I being unfair to stay with my husband as second choice?Torn

DEAR TORN: Falling in love is like bungee jumping from a bridge. Falling out of love is like climbing out of the ravine on the bungee cord. It takes effort, strength, balance and time.

You have behaved abominably. You seem eager to continue to behave abominably - but your boyfriend has too much integrity to let you.

You could hasten your recovery from romantus interruptus by continuing to explore your own motivations and behavior with a counselor.

Your husband seems to want to stay married, but you also need to decide whether to stay in your marriage. Given your choice to cheat on your family (and lie to your lover), you have an honesty problem. This has nothing to do with either man in your life - but with you.