Her husband's negativity wears her down

DEAR AMY: I've been married to a great man for 13 years.

When we were dating, he was kind, thoughtful, supportive, positive, funny and the best listener I had ever known. Slowly over time and four kids later, his true persona seems to have emerged. He is negative, cold, condescending, crotchety and takes everything for granted.

He seems to think he is the victim of the world (although our life is very good). Most of his negativity is directed at me.

I am a giver by nature and have happily taken responsibility for everything regarding our lives; all he has to do is go to work and do house maintenance. I don't nag and I do 95 percent of child care, all the cooking, laundry, finances, etc. I'm exhausted. I try so hard to be attentive and positive, but I am starved for a little appreciation and support. Mostly I'd like his affection and attention. I have read all the marriage books, made sure he knows my desires and have begged to know his. He promises to try to fix us, but doesn't. It isn't "horrible." I do love him and he loves me -- I think -- but this is not happy or healthy. What can I do?Worn-Out Wife

DEAR WIFE: Perhaps this isn't your husband's "true persona." Maybe his true persona is hiding under layers of disappointment, anger and depression. And maybe you give a little too much by taking responsibility for everything in your shared lives. If he had more responsibility for dealing with his own problems, he might not blame you when things don't feel right.

Ask your husband to acknowledge his unhappiness and its effect on others. Then he should try to do something about it. He deserves to reconnect with you -- and also with that wonderful, positive, funny thoughtful guy he used to be.

Urge him to see a counselor who has experience dealing with men's issues. When he feels good about himself, he will be a better partner to you and a better father to your kids.