Her kids' stepmother-to-be is generous, perhaps to a fault

DEAR AMY: My former husband is engaged to marry a very nice and generous woman who is 15 years my junior and has two grade school-age children. My children are 20 and 17. Since the early days of the relationship, she has worked hard to establish friendships with my children and has bestowed many gifts, sometimes spending more on them than I am able to afford. She has been especially generous with my 20-year-old daughter (offering pedicures, shopping, yoga, etc.). This summer she has been using her many work connections to arrange valuable internship and job opportunities for my children. I am glad for my kids, but feeling increasingly uncomfortable at what seems to me to be some intrusiveness on her part, or stepping over boundaries. I would like to have an amicable relationship with her someday, but this is making it hard for me. Am I being unreasonable? Should I say something to my ex-husband - or to her? If it's best to continue biting my tongue, do you have any advice for how I can cope with this situation and learn to accept it? I would be interested in how other divorced mothers deal with this situation.

--Newly Single Mom

DEAR MOM: You are your kids' mom. They know this. Your secure relationship with them allows them to let others safely into their lives.

Let this lie. You want for your kids to enjoy a healthy relationship with the woman who will become their stepmother. Unless you feel she is trying to submarine you, interfere with or subvert your relationship with your kids, let them enjoy a relationship with someone who seems to be trying hard to be a positive force in their lives.

I know this stings, but unless you see a negative impact on your children, you should continue to bite your tongue.