His partner died, friends have a secret

DEAR AMY: I have a fairly large group of friends I've known for more than 20 years. We would like the opinion of an outsider. Three years ago, a friend of ours, "Stan," was killed in a car accident. He was 41. Stan was gay and we were all close with his partner, "Jim." In the two months before his death, Stan told us he was planning to leave Jim. He said he no longer had any love left for him, and, although some of us encouraged him to consider couples therapy, his mind was made up. The only reason he didn't break it off at that point was because it was near the holidays, and he apparently felt breaking up then would just be too cruel. He died a week after Thanksgiving. Jim can't move on. He has been on a few dates, but says he always feels like he's betraying Stan. (They were together for 10 years.) He feels Stan was the love of his life, and no one can live up to his memory. Amy, he is miserable. We all care about him dearly, and love him, but we don't know what to do. How do you tell someone that the person they loved died no longer loving them? Should we just let him believe the lie? Nothing we've suggested has worked, not even a grief support group. Should we tell him? What else can we do?Worried FriendsDEAR FRIENDS: You have a certain amount of information, but you cannot know what lurks within the human heart.

You know what "Stan" said to you, but you don't know what he might have done. He died as part of a couple. Had he lived, there is every possibility he would have stayed in the relationship.

Telling "Jim" that his partner didn't love him serves no purpose: It might not be true; he might not believe it; and it would likely create a wedge in the relationships he has with you at a time when he needs you.

Reassure Jim that Stan would not have wanted him to be stuck in this grief state. Urge him to work with a counselor, one on one.