DEAR AMY: I've been dating a great guy for more than a year. We're both divorced adults in our 40s (with children), and we have been having a wonderful time together. We're very different: He is a gun-owning conservative, and I am a peace-loving, composting liberal. The political differences have never really bothered me. I've learned a lot from him, and I thought the more he learned the more he would appreciate my values and opinions. A political conversation we were having escalated; and he referred to several different racial groups in horrible, derogatory terms. I was absolutely appalled, shocked and disgusted. He apologized and said he would never talk that way in front of me again. However, I've learned that he and some friends told a horrible, racist joke to my stepfather. Honestly, it has changed the way I feel about him. It isn't just that he said those words; it's that he thinks them. On the one hand, I feel I am betraying my values by continuing to associate with him. On the other, I feel I should try to demonstrate tolerance and understanding. My family is racially diverse, and he gets along well with them. Is expressing racist thoughts a deal breaker? 
 --Worried 
 &nbsp; 
 DEAR WORRIED: Here's what I like about your guy: He is willing to behave differently. This is a fairly rare and wonderful trait. You cannot police his thoughts, but if he is acknowledging his behavior and has pledged to change it, then that is a start. 
 If these expressions have genuinely changed the way you feel about him, then you don't have to ask me about deal breakers. 
 But if you can demonstrate your own values (namely tolerance and the ability to imagine a person evolving and changing his views), then you might have the pleasure of seeing someone change in a radical, genuine and heartfelt way. 
 Now that you have declared where the line is drawn, you both know what the deal is.

DEAR AMY: I've been dating a great guy for more than a year. We're both divorced adults in our 40s (with children), and we have been having a wonderful time together. We're very different: He is a gun-owning conservative, and I am a peace-loving, composting liberal. The political differences have never really bothered me. I've learned a lot from him, and I thought the more he learned the more he would appreciate my values and opinions. A political conversation we were having escalated; and he referred to several different racial groups in horrible, derogatory terms. I was absolutely appalled, shocked and disgusted. He apologized and said he would never talk that way in front of me again. However, I've learned that he and some friends told a horrible, racist joke to my stepfather. Honestly, it has changed the way I feel about him. It isn't just that he said those words; it's that he thinks them. On the one hand, I feel I am betraying my values by continuing to associate with him. On the other, I feel I should try to demonstrate tolerance and understanding. My family is racially diverse, and he gets along well with them. Is expressing racist thoughts a deal breaker? --Worried DEAR WORRIED: Here's what I like about your guy: He is willing to behave differently. This is a fairly rare and wonderful trait. You cannot police his thoughts, but if he is acknowledging his behavior and has pledged to change it, then that is a start. If these expressions have genuinely changed the way you feel about him, then you don't have to ask me about deal breakers. But if you can demonstrate your own values (namely tolerance and the ability to imagine a person evolving and changing his views), then you might have the pleasure of seeing someone change in a radical, genuine and heartfelt way. Now that you have declared where the line is drawn, you both know what the deal is.

News

LSAMY02

His racist rant tests her tolerance

Newsday

Homepage Trending

Election results

College search

Wallet Watch

Working Moms

NEWSDAY TV SHORTS

Vertical videos

Authorities across Long Island have cracked down on the booming illegal sex trade at foot spas, Islip Town officials have raided only three foot spas – two of them shortly after reporters began asking questions. Newsday investigative reporter Sandra Peddie and NewsdayTV's Shari Einhorn have more.

Islip Town Supervisor takes little action on spas after allegations of illicit sex

The show must go on! NewsdayTV's Ken Buffa heads to Costume America in Farmingdale where they have made more than 50,000 costumes.

LI Works: There's no business like the costume business

NewsdayTV's Doug Geed visits a family owned farm in Southold which specializes in pasture raised pigs, chickens, and eggs alongside fruits and vegetables.

Out East: Lettuce visit Deep Roots Farm in Southold

The Jennifer Schaefer Child Support Room was unveiled at the R.J. Zuckerberg Cancer Center in Lake Success. It's a dedicated space named for Islanders defenseman Matthew Schaefer's mother, who died in February 2024 following a two-year fight with breast cancer.

Child support room named for mom of Isles' Schaefer opens

Olga Fuller, a licensed psychologist and founder of Authentic Insight Psychology, talks to NewsdayTV's Macy Egeland about the change in priorities after having a baby.

Working Moms: Priority shift

The cost of living on Long Island is causing some Gen Zers to live at home with their parents. Newsday real estate reporter Rachel Weiss was more.

Cost of living keeps Gen Z at home with parents

Newsday high school sports reporter Jared Valluzzi looks at Week 8's football plays of the week, plus boys and girls soccer highlights.

Week 8 football plays of the week

NewsdayTV's Macy Egeland takes a look back at the Kings Park Psychiatric Center.

Picture This: When Kings Park had a psychiatric hospital

Rori Zura was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer at the age of 33. Today, she helps others as a cancer exercise specialist. NewsdayTV's Virginia Huie reports.

Breast cancer survivor helps others take charge of their recovery

The report identified over half a million hateful posts on X between January 2025 and June 2026, with monthly growth of 75%. NewsdayTV's Andrew Ehinger reports.

Anti-South Asian rhetoric surging on some social media platforms, report says

<a href="https://www.newsday.com/video/newsdaytv-top-stories">Get more on these and other NewsdayTV stories</a>

Newsday TV

NewsdayTV Top Item

Blue wave sweeps across NY ... Teen sentenced for fatal stabbing at house party ... Teacher assistant fired after stalking allegations ... Governor's race wrap

Blue wave sweeps across NY ... Teacher assistant fired after stalking allegations ... Governor's race wrap

Blue wave sweeps across New York ... Judge won't dismiss 'Peaches' case ... Working Moms: Priority shift ... Fishermen sue Empire Wind

Blue wave sweeps across New York ... Judge won't dismiss 'Peaches' case ... Working Moms: Priority shift

News - megaslot

Newsday has the most up-to-date stories on Long Island & NTC. Join us & stay current with news articles on sports, business, health, technology & more.

Stay logged in.