His racist rant tests her tolerance

DEAR AMY: I've been dating a great guy for more than a year. We're both divorced adults in our 40s (with children), and we have been having a wonderful time together. We're very different: He is a gun-owning conservative, and I am a peace-loving, composting liberal. The political differences have never really bothered me. I've learned a lot from him, and I thought the more he learned the more he would appreciate my values and opinions. A political conversation we were having escalated; and he referred to several different racial groups in horrible, derogatory terms. I was absolutely appalled, shocked and disgusted. He apologized and said he would never talk that way in front of me again. However, I've learned that he and some friends told a horrible, racist joke to my stepfather. Honestly, it has changed the way I feel about him. It isn't just that he said those words; it's that he thinks them. On the one hand, I feel I am betraying my values by continuing to associate with him. On the other, I feel I should try to demonstrate tolerance and understanding. My family is racially diverse, and he gets along well with them. Is expressing racist thoughts a deal breaker?

--Worried

DEAR WORRIED: Here's what I like about your guy: He is willing to behave differently. This is a fairly rare and wonderful trait. You cannot police his thoughts, but if he is acknowledging his behavior and has pledged to change it, then that is a start.

If these expressions have genuinely changed the way you feel about him, then you don't have to ask me about deal breakers.

But if you can demonstrate your own values (namely tolerance and the ability to imagine a person evolving and changing his views), then you might have the pleasure of seeing someone change in a radical, genuine and heartfelt way.

Now that you have declared where the line is drawn, you both know what the deal is.