His secret spending leads to distrust

DEAR AMY: I have just discovered that for the past year and a half my husband has been giving a jobless friend money -- $4,000 so far. My husband did not tell me he was doing this. I feel betrayed, but he said he was just helping a friend. I don't know what to do with the hurt this has caused. Do you have a suggestion?

Betrayed Wife

DEAR WIFE: I assume your husband kept this a secret from you because he knew he was being sneaky, and he was too cowardly to risk disclosing this expenditure to you -- presumably because he knew he would have to have a challenging conversation about it.

He denied you the opportunity to be a partner, and I agree it's a betrayal -- just as it would be if you took $4,000 from your joint money without telling him.

Talk about it and come to an understanding and agreement about how to navigate from now on. Your financial decisions should be transparent and made together.

DEAR AMY: I would like to respond to "Sad," whose parents did not pursue the neighbor who made sexual advances toward her when she baby-sat his kids. In 1962, when I was 9 years old, two boys dragged me down by the river and pulled down my pants. I was terrified and horrified, and I ran home and told my mother. She told me not to ever speak of it to anyone, and that was the end of it. I think she was also shocked and horrified and felt powerless. For many years, I felt somehow I was guilty of something. I told my daughters they could tell me anything and that I would believe them. I hope "Sad" will see a sympathetic therapist. It would help.Not Sad Now

DEAR NOT SAD: Scores of readers -- women and men -- are responding to "Sad" by telling their stories. I'd like to respond by assuring all of you that you are not alone, and you are believed.