His sexless marriage has him depressed

DEAR AMY: I'm a middle-age male, married for 30 years. I am in very good physical condition, look good enough and have excellent hygiene. I make excellent money with better-than-average benefits. My problem is that I'm depressed. My wife basically cut me off sexually 15 years ago. I have tried everything I can think of: vacations, gifts and doing everything around the house. I don't drink or use drugs. I'm very dependable. My wife complains about almost everything. I wonder why she thinks I would stay with her. I've thought about paying for sex on the side, but I've never been in trouble and don't want to get arrested. My wife's excuses are endless. She'll say she's sick, even though she hasn't been to the doctor in 10 years. She is not seeing anyone else. I am so depressed that I feel like crying. I could leave her, but I promised her when we got married that I would always take care of her. We both came from not very good families. I wanted to be better than that.

--East Coast Dad

DEAR DAD: There has been a lot of research lately on the physical causes behind decreased libido. If your wife hasn't been to a doctor in 10 years, she should see one, now.

When your wife rejects you sexually, it cuts to the core. When you try to win her over sexually through vacations, gifts and housework, you are assuming that you can fix the problem by doing things differently.

I give you credit for trying so hard, but her sexual issues might not be your fault or responsibility; this is about her.

I applaud your commitment to your marriage, though you should ask yourself whether this level of dysfunction and depression makes you able to gauge your marriage accurately.

Because you say you are depressed, you should concentrate on yourself. See your doctor and get a referral to a psychologist - preferably one who works with men at midlife.