How should children address adults?

DEAR AMY: My wife and I are having a conversation about how our children (ages 6 and 4) should address adults. We agree that adults should be called Mr. or Mrs. "Smith." However, my wife has a friend who wants to be called "Ms. Sandy." I maintain that our children should call adults by their last name, and my wife contends they should call adults by the name they want to be called. I think it's confusing to young children and that the parents should have the say. I have been called by my first name before by a young child and I didn't like it. I'm hoping you can settle this.Traditional

DEAR TRADITIONAL: I'm not sure what is so "confusing" about children addressing people in a variety of ways. After all, they understand they themselves have a first name, a last name and perhaps a nickname. If your son's name is "Jonathan" and people reflexively nickname him "Jon," doesn't he have the right to correct this and be addressed by the name he prefers? Did you correct the child who called you by your first name, and did that child respect your wishes? (I assume so.) You are teaching your children that you alone get to decide how they will address other people. This isn't a lesson in respecting others; it is about respecting you.

Your kids might have adults in their lives (Sunday school teachers, Scout leaders or coaches) who, like your wife's friend, would prefer to have the kids in their group refer to them as "Amy," "Ms. Jenny" or "Coach John." If you won't permit them to respect these requests and preferences, you paint them into a tough corner.

I agree that it is important to teach your children to respectfully address adults as Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Miss, followed by their surname. But if they do so and the adult says, "I'd prefer it if you would call me Stanley," they should pay attention to and respect that person's wishes. Doing this is not confusing unless you make it so.