How to connect with estranged, ill mother

DEAR AMY: I'm a 41-year-old only child, and my entire life my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. She grew up in an abusive home and repeated the same behavior. I asked her several times to come to counseling to improve our relationship, but she declined. I'm married to a wonderful man, put myself through college to earn graduate degrees, own three homes and a small business, and have a successful career. Long ago, I decided not to take the bait and walk away, instead of arguing back when she yelled at me. But the bad behavior never stopped. Two years ago, after complaining about me at my own wedding, I told her I can't change her behavior but I can control the degree to which I expose myself to it. After a lifetime, I'm done. We've not spoken since.

Yesterday, I received a letter from her that she has uterine cancer but that she still agrees with our current estrangement.

She's not asking me for anything, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to give much other than well wishes for her health to improve, though I have no idea how serious the cancer is.

My question is whether I can live with my decision to not re-establish contact and do what I can to support her since she's alone. I feel obliged to get involved, but I don't want to.Estranged Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: You should respond to your mother the way you would want her to respond to you, if the situation were reversed.

You could write and tell your mother you are very sorry she is ill. Tell her you wish your relationship was better and that you hope she is receiving the support and treatment she needs.

You do not need to see her; you should express only your sincere and honest feelings.

You could work some of this through with the help of a therapist. Professional counseling will help you clarify your best intentions in order to act upon them.