How to handle tricky divorce details with children

DEAR AMY: I have been married for nearly 28 years. Throughout my marriage I have had doubts about my husband's sexual orientation. A few months ago, I found out he had been having sex with two men. After the holidays and a family vacation, I filed for divorce. We are continuing to live in the same house. Our children, 21, 20 and 16, do not know we are planning to divorce. I would like to tell them once we are closer to a settlement, so we can give them the plan for how life will look with the house and living relationships. I do not want to say negative things about their father, but I do not want my children thinking I dissolved our marriage over frivolous circumstances. I have spoken with two counselors about this. The first remarked about my husband's narcissism and blaming tendencies, and advised that I should be prepared for him to accuse me of an affair. He got drunk on our family vacation and told our children that this would be our last family vacation, since I would be leaving him for another man. (I have never been unfaithful.) The other counselor advised to tell the children nothing and that they would "figure it out." This seems to disrespect their maturity and their right to know something about what happened to their family. Please help.

Worried Mom

DEAR WORRIED: In the short term, say, "We have a number of problems, and we're going to do our best to keep this amicable, but, unfortunately, we're divorcing. I will always answer your questions truthfully, but I'm not quite ready to volunteer details. This is painful for me, but I'll be fine. I'm most concerned about you right now."

If they ask you, "Did you have an affair?" you say, "No."

If they ask, "Was Dad unfaithful?" you say, "Yes, but beyond my telling you that, I think you should talk to him." They might not care to ask or to know about their father's sexuality right now, but if they do, tell them the truth.