How to keep Grandma from being a spoiler

DEAR AMY: I am about to have a baby and I worry about my future child's relationship with my mother-in-law. My MIL spoils her other grandchildren, disregards the wishes of my sisters-in-law and pulls the children out of their daily routine. I understand grandparents spoiling their grandchildren a little, but the kids' behavior alters in extreme ways (tantrums, verbal regression, etc.) after they have been with her. I find this very unhealthy. I had four wonderful grandparents and I was very close to all of them. I want my child to know his/her grandmother but I don't want to create this cultlike relationship with any one person. How can I handle this?

--Worried Mom to Be

DEAR WORRIED: A small degree of grandparent "spoiling" is not only to be expected, but can create a positive connection between generations.

However, if kids are secure and engaged in a balanced relationship then visits should not throw them into a state.

Discreetly seek advice from your sisters-in-law. Did they make mistakes with the grandmother/grandchild relationship in the early days that they cannot now undo? They might help you to avoid some traps.

Also, your mother-in-law raised your husband. Is this behavior familiar to him, or has his mother changed? Most important, you and your husband will be primary in your child's life. It is your job to maintain the balance in your household and you should establish this early on. If your mother-in-law undermines you, you will have to confront the issue consistently by asking her to behave differently.

Raise your child to be resistant to spoiling by maintaining discipline and balance in your household. Never compete with a grandparent for primacy, and if you feel your child is overwhelmed, you should carefully and within reason limit one-on-one access until either the grandparent adjusts or the child is better able to cope.