Husband needs to put an end to love child secrecy

DEAR AMY: Thirty years ago (and long before we met), my husband had a brief affair with a friend's wife while the friend and his wife were separated.

She went back to her husband. Some months later, she gave birth to a girl. My husband has always wondered if this child was his. He chose to not get involved and moved on with his life. I've known of this situation since we got together 23 years ago. He had virtually no contact with this woman until recently. She has told him that the baby was his. She divorced the first husband and remarried. The man who raised the child knows nothing of the affair and neither does the daughter. My husband has become obsessed with this, spending hours on the Internet finding pictures and information. He talks to this woman on the phone and corresponds with her on Facebook. They don't plan to tell the ex-husband or daughter about this. I feel heartbroken when he sends messages talking about "their" daughter and grandchildren. It kills me that he is doting on children he's never met and isn't certain he's related to. He wishes there was a way to do genetic testing without the girl finding out. I'm really trying to be open-minded and supportive. Please tell me what to do.

Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your husband and this other woman are being secretive, exclusionary and dishonest. Deliberately keeping a person's genetic truth from her is wrong (unless there are extremely compelling reasons to do so).

The daughter should be told who her genetic father is, your husband should volunteer for DNA testing, and all of this should be brought into the open.

Your husband is carrying on a clandestine fantasy family life with another woman. This is bound to affect your marriage. Insist that these two adults do the right thing, and you (and this woman's husband) should be included in the discussions and decisions. A professional family mediator could help.