Husband's depression is robbing her of joy, too

DEAR AMY: My husband, "Henry," and I have been married for 34 years and reared three loving, independent, successful children. We have lovely grandchildren. All his life, Henry has been on the edge of depression. He has been good at hiding it most of the time, but now that he is retired, it is worse than ever. He has a little job, but it is not of the caliber of his career. He is struggling with loss of identity. He is grouchy and irritable. He ignores me, refusing to talk. He isolates himself - classic symptoms of depression. I have asked him to get help, but he thinks it is my problem. I've told him that relatives, friends and casual acquaintances have mentioned that he seems "bummed out," tired and "lacking joy." After all these years, I realize he is not happy unless he is miserable. In spite of it all, I love him. I know that if I ever left him, it would kill him, but he is robbing me of joy. Is it fair to give him an ultimatum and tell him that unless he gets help I will leave?

More Than Winter BluesDEAR BLUES: Your husband may need an intervention rather than an ultimatum. You should start by finding a counselor who can help you understand his illness and find positive ways for you to cope.

Your children should meet with you and the counselor to discuss how you might force this issue without alienating your husband further.

Your goal is to get him some help. Depression is a treatable disease but, unfortunately, one of the symptoms is the resistance of the depressed person to seek help.

There may be other physical causes for his sadness; urge him to get a full checkup.

Please read "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping With Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield (1999, Three Rivers Press). This important book has a forward by newsman Mike Wallace, a mighty guy brought low by his own battle with depression.