Husband's values no longer in line with hers

DEAR AMY: I've been married for five years. We have a 4-year-old son. My husband and I were born and raised in a religion that doesn't allow the use of alcohol or smoking. My husband was a rebel when he was a teenager but straightened up. However, recently I learned that on his business trips he smokes pot and drinks beer. We have been to counseling, and he says pot should be legal and defends his behavior. I don't agree. Am I at a dead end?Worried WifeDEAR WIFE: Because your husband is violating legal, personal and religious values and has stated his intention to continue, you will have to work hard to detach from his choices and concentrate on your own. You can't follow your husband on his business trips and police his substance intake. You should make decisions based on what is best for you and your family.

You should concentrate on building a positive and healthy life for yourself and your son. You will receive guidance from your counseling sessions; you might also benefit from the advice of clergy.

DEAR AMY: About a year ago, I purchased a home, not realizing the neighbor behind me has small children. The father is training the 3-year-old to be a sports star. I regularly find balls and toys in my backyard. At least three balls a week hit my house. I have a large dog I train in the backyard. If I'm out with him, the neighbor will climb up on the fence to ask for the balls back. They wait for me to come out so they can ask me to gather and return these balls. If I go out in the evening in my pajamas with the dog so he can do his business, they climb the fence, look around and ask for the balls. I have absolutely no privacy. I finally started keeping the balls as a way of trying to discourage them. These balls could be harmful or even fatal to my dog if he were to swallow them. Now, when I see them starting to walk toward the fence, I pivot and go directly into my house. I want to be able to use my yard without being bugged!No Backyard Privacy

DEAR BACKYARD: Keeping the balls is a good strategy. If you send the message that any ball landing in your yard will not be returned, then soon enough even the 3-year-old will start saying, "No, Dad, let's play catch in this direction!" One way to increase your privacy is to heighten your fence and plant dense shrubbery. People who live in close proximity learn that privacy is a dance. You'll have to learn to cheerfully ignore and tolerate your neighbors the way they will have to tolerate you and your large dog.