If they die, who gets the kids?

DEAR AMY: My wife and I are deadlocked over a critical issue. We have, after years of procrastinating, tried to put our estate in order. With two minor children, we must choose people who would become their guardians if my wife and I both died. We might as well be the Red Sox and the Yankees. She wants her brother and sister-in-law, who live out of state, to be our choice. While I have issues with their parenting "style," I think it is very important that, in this unlikely scenario, we try to maintain as much stability -- for example, same school, same friends, remaining near my parents. I have chosen my best friend, "Justin," and his wife. I have no siblings. I have known him since I was 2 years old, and he has consistently proved himself to be as close to "blood" as any true blood relative (and better than some). He is my family. He and his wife live two miles from where we live and would give our three children stability. We have sought the help of a psychologist, but she has been unable to help us see the other side to the point of changing our "vote." What do you suggest?Not Dead Yet Dad

DEAR DAD: You and your wife should consult an attorney to determine the custody laws in your state.

Recognizing that the odds of this happening are minuscule, if you both died it would be best for the children to have as stable a life as possible, with few transitions, such as moving -- and to be raised by people who share your basic values and parenting philosophy.

My understanding is that if you both died without naming a guardian, the court would decide, based on what it determines is in the best interest of the children. For now, if you and your wife cannot decide on one guardian, you could each write a letter enclosed with your will promoting your own choice, which a judge would be able to use as testimonials to render a decision. Run this idea past your lawyer.