Impasse over pot threatens engagement

DEAR AMY: I've been engaged for about six months, and we're getting ready to start planning our wedding. We have a great relationship and I am very excited to spend the rest of my life with him. I have no complaints about my fiance, except that he wants to start smoking marijuana when he's with his friends. He sees his friends twice a year or so, because they live elsewhere. I am absolutely not OK with the idea of him smoking marijuana. I think he's going to jeopardize our great (and drug-free) relationship, but he doesn't see smoking marijuana as being "bad." He sees it as similar to drinking a beer. I completely disagree and I can't think of a way to compromise. I told him I will not marry him if he chooses to smoke with his friends, but I would be willing to continue to date him. He says I'm placing conditions on marriage. Amy, I don't know what to do. We are crazy about each other, but this "debate" about drugs has left me devastated. It never seems to be resolved.Straight-laced

DEAR STRAIGHT: One important difference between smoking pot and drinking beer is that it is (still) illegal to smoke marijuana.

From what you say above, marijuana doesn't sound all that important to your fiance in the first place, so you should assume that this issue is a placeholder for other things. Control, for instance.

Because you two are at an impasse, you should step away from this issue altogether. You have stated your case, you will not change your mind, and he, evidently, won't either. He is right - you are placing conditions on marriage. He is, too.

If you decide to go the marriage route, you two should definitely pursue premarital counseling. A counselor will identify tension points between you and help you mediate this and other issues so they won't become ultimatums.