Is her narcissist husband cheating?

DEAR AMY: After 12 years, I have realized my husband is a narcissist -- true to the psychological definition. I have been to therapy (he won't go) and it is through therapy that I have realized this. I am far from perfect, but I am not the horrible person he makes me out to be. I have very close and healthy relationships with friends and family. He values the people who work for him -- he is a very successful businessman -- and that is about it.

My husband has no interest in me sexually; he's always "exhausted," even though he is very physically fit and energetic all day. My therapist asked if it was possible that my husband was having an affair, and I surprised myself by saying, "Yes, I do think it's possible." How do I go about finding out if he is cheating on me? I am not the spying kind. Should I hire a private investigator? It all seems so seedy to me, and yet, I want to know the truth.

--Not the Spying Kind

DEAR NOT: You don't mention asking your husband outright if he is having an affair.

One hazard of therapy is the impulse to diagnose other people. And while it is fascinating to ponder your husband's psychological makeup, ultimately the most important questions to wrestle with in therapy are, "What about me? Who am I, and what do I want?" Another question you need to answer for yourself is, "If my husband is having an affair, then what?" You also need to ponder what difference it will make if he is not having an affair.

If after considering these questions there are legal, practical or emotional reasons to dig deeper, and if you don't have the stomach to do the snooping yourself, then by all means, hire someone to do this for you.

A matrimonial lawyer will advise you on how to go forward and refer you to an investigator.