Is it time to mend fences with son-in-law?

DEAR AMY: Some 20 years ago, our daughter married a divorced man (he had no children). Though they traveled to our hometown to get married in her home church, they've lived on the opposite coast ever since they got married. Each summer, the family (now with two children) visited for two months. All was normal! The husband was a different ballgame. He is controlling, distant, untruthful and negative. He has shown no respect for us, and several times told us what architectural changes he would make to our newly built retirement home. He recited negative stories to our neighbors as well as to our oldest son. Four years ago, we decided we'd had enough. We told him not to come here again. This, naturally, has put a tremendous strain on our daughter. She is torn between the love for her parents and her duty to her husband and children. We are afraid to make a move to forgive and forget. We are in our mid-80s and feel we must avoid the strain. We are at an impasse and would like your advice.Old but Aware

DEAR AWARE: You have thoroughly outlined a scenario that makes me sympathetic to your daughter and wondering about your choice. You have boxed her in and she is trapped.

I'll take your word for it that this man is toxic, but you have to create an environment where your daughter can come in out of the cold in order to spend more time with you.

She has been married to him for 20 years, and she seems to want to stay with him, and because you live all the way across the country, it's not like she can just pop in for a quick visit.

Having a more constant and less stressful relationship will be good for everyone. Ask your daughter to help you to broker a peace settlement. Make amends, and this may prompt him to follow suit. This should ease the strain for all of you.