Kids crave attention of dad who walked out

DEAR AMY: I have been divorced for almost two years. My husband went through a midlife crisis after 27 years of marriage, took a new job 2,000 miles away without discussing it with me, told me he didn't love me anymore and basically shut me out of his life. I tried through counseling and in every way I could to stay married, but after 31/2 years, I finally divorced him. At this point, he has been gone for almost six years. He does not come into town often. We have three children who are in their 20s. My ex was a good father when the kids were young. My kids now see him one or two times a year for a few days at a time. They talk to him occasionally on the phone. The kids know he left and that he didn't treat me well. They know he pretty much abandoned them and rarely visits them now. But they don't act angry toward him! My daughter just told me that she asked him to go with her on a short cruise because she hasn't seen him in a while. But he hasn't even tried to see her! I don't understand why they seek him out when he has not done anything to deserve it. I am here for them always and am close to them all -- and it makes me so mad that he has gotten away with being an absentee father. Can you help me to understand why my adult children are so forgiving of him?Angry

DEAR ANGRY: The fact that your kids are kind and forgiving is a testament to all of you.

However, it is a strange fact of human nature that people have a tendency to fall all over themselves trying to reach and please someone who is elusive.

You are not elusive. The trick for you is to be involved enough in their lives to satisfy you -- but not so involved that you feel taken advantage of.

Your kids' feelings are probably complicated and will change over time. You may think your ex is not facing the consequences of being a jerk -- but remember that at the end of the day, he is stuck with himself.