Mom's anger poisoning daughter's marriage

DEAR AMY: I am a professional woman in my 40s. I am happily married and have a wonderful daughter. My problem? My mother. My folks' divorce was 20 years ago, but she talks as if it happened yesterday. So much hate and venom still pours out of her mouth. Days after she leaves I can't shake how awful I feel; I want to hide. Lately, she has taken to telling me intimacies of their marriage. These are things I do not need to know. How can I armor myself against her brand of toxicity? After she leaves, it is guaranteed that my husband and I will have a fight.Not a Toxic Dump

DEAR TOXIC: The most important sentence in your letter is the last one, where you reveal that the stress of dealing with your mother prompts you to fight with your husband.

You are misdirecting your frustration and anger -- just as your mother is.

The first thing you should do is to get a handle on who you are angry with and why. Then determine to speak to the right person to bring about a change. Tell your mother now: "Your ongoing anger and hatred about your marriage has been bothering me for a long time. I love you, and I've decided to tell you the truth. This is affecting our relationship. I want you to stop bringing this up when you're with me. Can you do that?" Your mother obviously needs help to deal with her venom and disappointment. She should see a counselor.

DEAR AMY: Your answer to "Cold Feet" was a little off base. We have all been single prior to meeting that someone special and, as such, have had lives. These lives are our own business. I do not believe that the fiance should "explain" his past. Yes, it shaped who he is -- a man who wishes to be married to Cold Feet -- but he has no obligation to explain. Keeping pictures of previous girlfriends, however, wasn't the smartest thing to do.On Second and Last Marriage