Move relationship with family beyond money

DEAR AMY: A couple of years ago, because of a falling-out over money we lent to our son, we were told that we were no longer welcome in his family's lives. We continued to send monetary gifts to the two grandchildren for birthdays, Christmas and graduation, with no acknowledgment at all. This year, the day after Christmas we received a phone call from our 18-year-old grandson saying he'd received our Christmas card but there was nothing inside. He wondered if something had fallen out. I advised him that nothing was inside but our "good wishes," explaining that he was an "adult" now. Because he sounded so pleasant and it was so nice to hear his voice after so long, I "chickened out" of telling him that we hadn't sent money because we have never been thanked for previous gifts of money. We continued with a very pleasant "catching up with his life" conversation. Now I am feeling guilty about not sending him any money (although we are still sending it to his younger sister).Torn

DEAR TORN: Your gifts and grants of money have caused nothing but trouble in your family, and yet the first thing that occurs to you after you've had a decent encounter with a family member is to reward him by sending money.

Can you build upon this encounter without shelling out cold, hard cash?

You have told this young man that he is an "adult." Now respect him enough to tell the truth so he might see the connection between his behavior and the consequences.

He needs to understand that if he had picked up the phone to say thank you, he might not have had to pick up the phone to ask, "Did my check fall out of the envelope?"

If he taps into his gratitude, you will be more likely to feel generous in the future.

Contact him, be honest and tell him how much you'd love to stay in touch.