Must he help parents who failed him?

DEAR AMY: I'm a man nearing 50 with a difficult family history. My parents divorced when I was 9. I lived with my mother and stepfather. Their relationship was quite twisted, and when I was between the ages of 14 and 15, he sexually molested me, with my mother's knowledge. I've done lots of healing, and today I have a great life. My question is: Now that my mother and biological father are elderly (my stepfather committed suicide), what kind of "allegiance" do I owe my parents, in terms of caring for them in their declining years? I've been on my own since leaving home at 15, and the thought of spending time and money on people who were such poor parents makes me angry. Then comes the guilt. What's your perspective?Wounded Son

DEAR SON: If assisting your parents would further your healing, then you should do it. Rising above the horror show of your childhood to support your abusers would be an extraordinary act of grace.

However, I don't think you should consider yourself a failure if you can't reach this extremely high standard.

You don't illuminate your relationship with your father, but my perspective is that the fact that they have survived long enough to be elderly should not confer any more obligation upon you than when you were an abused 15-year-old victim -- with no parents to protect and support you. I feel they renounced their kinship to you and your allegiance to them when they victimized you.

You also don't say if your parents have made any attempts to explain, atone or ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is very powerful. Forgiving them for their failings does not mean you have to support them.

The work of Dave Pelzer, a survivor of horrific childhood abuse, will provide a valuable perspective. Pelzer's writing will inspire you. Start with "A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness."