New parents need a mature way to disagree

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been happily married for two years. We've been together for almost 10 years and have a 1-year-old daughter. Things in our marriage are pretty great; we rarely have disagreements.

The only problem we have is when we do fight. We have been together since we were teenagers, and the problem is that we still fight like teenagers.

Although this doesn't happen often, whenever we disagree about even the smallest thing, it ends up getting blown out of proportion, and we end up in a screaming match, complete with name-calling and saying things we don't mean. It always ends with someone walking away. After we've cooled down, we both apologize and don't bring it up again. This is how we have always fought, and now that we have a daughter, I worry a lot about how our fighting will affect her. I know the screaming and then not talking about things afterward is unhealthy. We just don't know how to change things! Can you give us some ideas?Concerned Mom

DEAR CONCERNED: Fighting is normal within marriage. Couples can even raise their voices and survive to argue another day. But fighting and certainly screaming in front of your child are definitely not good. You are a wise parent to realize this and to determine to do things differently. Because you cannot necessarily retreat from a 1-year-old -- or ask the child to go into another room -- you will have to impose and agree to a strict "not in front of the child" policy.

Sit down and talk about establishing some basic ground rules. No name-calling -- it's useless and abusive to your partner.

Say, "This is how I feel," or "This is what I hear you saying." Every recently married couple should read "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert," by John Gottman and Nan Silver (2000, Three Rivers Press).