Comics have tips for Radio City-bound Charlie Sheen

Hide the women and children —— the “warlock” is coming to town.
Charlie Sheen has a two-night gig this weekend at Radio City Music Hall as part of his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour.

While his first show in Detroit was beyond disastrous — complete with boos and walk-outs — the 45-year-old actor must have gotten an I.V. of “tiger blood,” as his shows since have reportedly been smooth sailing.

If you haven’t gotten a ticket yet, it shouldn’t be a problem. Scalpers who gobbled them are practically giving them away, with so-so seats going for as little as $32 online.

So how will Sheen do with a sophisticated New York audience? We asked some comedians who know how to work a Big Apple crowd to give the actor some advice for his performances on Friday and Sunday:

— “I know what he shouldn’t do, and that’s be lucid, because that leads nowhere.”
Norm Macdonald, host of the new Comedy Central show “Sports Show with Norm Macdonald.”

— “He should bring out a mannequin that looks like Jon Cryer and do a ventriloquist act. Fill it with jokes about Libya and Justin Bieber. And if all else fails, pass a crack pipe around the audience.”
Ray Ellin, host of “LateNet” and “Gong Show Live”

— “A really good opening act, like a 75-minute set by The Strokes or bringing in a Broadway production of ‘Wicked,’ would really help audience members forget that they paid $100 to watch a violent drug-addict scream at them.”
Mike Birbiglia, whose one-man show “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend” is currently playing off-Broadway

— “The only way Charlie Sheen can get a New York audience behind him is to stand at the front of the line at the men’s room.”
Billy Bingo, New York firefighter turned comic

— "Change the name of the tour so it is well represented from “My Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour” to “My Violent Torpedo Tour“ #bombing.”
Stacey Prussman, comic and actress

(With Scott A. Rosenberg)