No welcome mat for ailing in-law

DEAR AMY: My widower father-in-law is 85 and showing signs of dementia. My wife is the only child within 1,000 miles to look after him. I can see the scenario setting itself up for later: My wife will insist that he come live in our (my) home (she's not on the deed) when he needs nursing home care. I told her I'd rather divorce her than have him sponging off me, which he's done plenty of already. We've been married for 14 years and she had a grandpa come live with us, but times were different then. My wife doesn't have a nickel to her name now. Her father lived an affluent lifestyle but he plays it extremely close to the vest. Should I make it clear to him or to my wife that he's not going to live with me?Upset

DEAR UPSET: You make a point of noting that your wife's name is not on the deed to your home and that she doesn't have any money of her own.

Your attitude is very illuminating.

I suggest you make your views crystal clear to your wife so she knows what she is dealing with.

However, despite your attitude, you are dealing in unproven assumptions. You don't say that you two have even had a rational conversation about this.

Caring for someone with dementia is caregiving at its most extreme -- and you obviously don't have the desire or temperament to handle this.

Your wife should start the process of investigating his assets, researching places where he might live and helping him make the transition.

This is a lengthy and lonely process, and you might be able to help your wife with this, but your anger and attitude will continue to get in the way and will make this process all the more heartbreaking for her.

A mediator or marriage counselor could help both of you to come to an agreement and navigate this challenge together.