Parents enable his brother's irresponsibility

DEAR AMY: Recently I visited my parents and my 27-year-old brother, who lives with them. He earned a degree in business and marketing in May and has been unemployed ever since. I asked him how he pays his bills, and he told me "the magic bill-paying fairies" take care of it. Not only have my parents been paying his bills, but they also make excuses for why he doesn't have a job. They do not understand that they are stunting his growth as an individual by eclipsing his responsibilities. They have always made special excuses for why it is OK for my brother to fail. He's perfectly capable. He's just lazy and would rather play video games and get high than apply himself. I believe that my parents are enabling his failure. They handed me my bills at age 21. I got a job I hated, then went on to do great things motivated by the fact that I didn't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I feel as if he should be given his bills, so he can experience what it's like and, in essence, grow up. What steps should I take to address this with my parents?Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Helping is when you do something for someone they cannot do for themselves. Enabling is when you do something for someone they can do for themselves. Your parents are firmly in the enabler category.

They are probably turning themselves inside out to "assist" your brother, so he can play video games, get high and insult them by referring to them as "the bill-paying fairies." You might start your conversation by quoting your brother's insult.

Give them the book "The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the One You Love" by Angelyn Miller (Wheatmark, 2001).

Even after learning that they are contributing to your brother's problems, your folks may still find it impossible to break the cycle. And that's when you will have to face your own tough realization: You can't "fix" your parents, just as they can't "fix" your brother.