Parents' last best chance to matter

Teenagers, it turns out, aren't the only ones who want their space.

Some of the parents I know who are raising teens are finding creative ways to put distance between themselves and their angst-ing offspring. Some are taking long weekends away, others are discovering a new passion for time at the office, and some are reviving their dating lives on Match.com.

Rather than savoring these last few years before the kids move on and move out, some parents are all but opting out of the teenage storm and stress.

Adults need time to themselves, of course. But as kids try out adult-style pursuits for the first time in their lives, smart parents will remain close and stay informed.

It's probably forbidden to say this out loud on Long Island, the land of intense family ties, but the teenage years can be hard on parents. Teen demands for independence can feel like rejection. Their bad decisions can feel like our failures. Fights at home rock otherwise healthy marriages. Marital satisfaction declines steeply as children enter puberty, according to a 2007 survey in the Journal of Marriage and Family.

As a result, parents pull back. Mothers spent half as much time -- four to six hours a week -- with kids age 13 to 17, compared with their kids aged 6 through 12. The American Time Use Survey, conducted by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, says 6- to 12-year-olds receive 10 to 13 hours a week of mom's time. Sure, child care is more intensive at the younger ages, when kids can't be left by themselves. But four to six hours a week spent parenting? That hardly counts as an acquaintance.

Experts are quick to speak the mantra of parental involvement as the antidote to every teenage ill, and parents receive constant reminders. Yet high schools complain about poor turnout for parents night.

For years, experts have recommended that families eat dinner together at least five nights a week. And the answer to prevent vehicle fatalities among teens? The Parent's Supervised Driving Program, now adopted by 12 states before issuing a full license, requires 50 hours of parental guidance behind the wheel, with 10 of those hours after dark.

As tempting as it may be to take a teenager up on the invitation to get lost -- either stated directly or implied by the locked bedroom door -- all evidence shows they still need their parents.

Author Ellen Galinsky, in her groundbreaking "Ask the Children," spoke with more than 1,000 children in grades 3 through 12. She writes, "Our interviews with teenagers reveal that they certainly do want [parents] to hang in there so that they can go to them when they need to."

Even when teenagers tower over us in height, the job of parenting isn't nearly done. Here are a few remaining tasks.

--Policing curfew, drinking or drug use. An adult needs to be on alert when teens come home. Neuroscientists believe that the younger teenagers start using mind-altering substances, the more susceptible they are to forming addictions.

--Managing time. Teenage years are an enormously busy time, as they juggle schoolwork, social life, sports, possibly a job. Parents by the nature of our role have some pointers on multitasking.

--Advising on romantic choices. The age of readiness for romance varies wildly, and teens should be reassured about this. They shouldn't be pressured to date just because their friends do.

--Helping to plan for life after high school. Most adults remember their terror at being asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Baby boomers are said to average seven careers -- perhaps an exaggeration, but certainly fodder for discussion with teens.

Teenagers may not appear to appreciate it, but these years are parents' last best chance to matter.

Anne Michaud is the interactive editor for Newsday Opinion.