Partner keeps him a secret from his parents

DEAR AMY: I have been in a loving relationship for nine years with a man who is Muslim. I am a Christian. He has not yet told his parents that I am his partner. We have owned a home together for five years. His parents do not know the true nature of our relationship because he does not have the courage to tell them. They think I am his roommate. He has come out to his six siblings, but only two of them accept our relationship. The remaining siblings continue to refer to me as his roommate, sometimes even refusing to spend time with me. I feel as though I have been more than patient. I have given him to the end of 2010 to tell his parents, which is four years after the original deadline that we set. It is getting closer to the deadline date, and I fear he will not do it. Is it a deal breaker? My family is very upset over this issue. We feel this is very disrespectful to keep this secret. His family has come to visit twice, and he removed all evidence of me (photos, alarm clock, towels, etc.), stating that it is a cultural/religious issue and that I should be more tolerant.Dirty Little Secret

DEAR SECRET: This denial is disrespectful to you, but it might help if you thought about the probable consequences of telling the truth.

I agree that your partner should be open about his sexuality and tell his parents the truth about his life, but you should not expect that this disclosure will necessarily bring about positive changes for you two.

You have to decide what you want, as an individual. Your partner can't offer you a peaceful and inclusive family life, no matter what he tells his folks.

The deal breaker here has to do with your alarm clock. If your partner wants to play "don't ask, don't tell," that's his unfortunate business. But nobody should move you out during a parental visit. It's your home, and you get to stay, towels and all.