Potholes on the road to a blended family

DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. My husband passed away three years ago. I have two children, ages 7 and 10, and he has a 5-year-old son. Unfortunately, the children do not like each other. My daughter has gone so far as to say that she hates my boyfriend's son. She gets anxious when he is around. If my son is fighting with my daughter, as siblings do, my boyfriend's son will jump in and side with my son. We've been trying to help the kids get along better, but we have not been very successful. I don't want to force them to endure an uncomfortable situation. Also, I've developed a "distaste" for my boyfriend's son. I don't feel like we should pursue this relationship, given my negative feelings and my daughter's anxiety when the boy is around. Should I discontinue this relationship for the sake of the kids?

--Torn

DEAR TORN: Everything you do should be for the sake of your family. This includes demonstrating to your children that they can survive their anxieties, with your positive, consistent and compassionate support.

You and your guy could ease some of the pressure by getting the children together in various combinations to see if they experience some small successes that you can build upon.

You should try to spend some time with your boyfriend's son (without your kids present), engaging in a low-key activity. You need to get to know him in an atmosphere where he's not hyped up. He is very young and possibly anxious, unsure and hurting too.

If any of the kids are playing a sport, the other children can attend a game -- giving them some indirect contact.

Any time they are all together should be structured, inclusive and well supervised. It's most important that the adults be mutually supportive.

You and your kids would also benefit from some family therapy to ease your transition. You've all been through a lot.