Reconnecting with daughter is dad's job

DEAR AMY: My husband has two children from a previous marriage and an older child from a very brief marriage before that. He is a great dad to his two youngest, but when we met he shamefully admitted that he hadn't seen his oldest child in several years and desperately wanted to reconnect with her. I strongly encouraged him to do so. Well, despite having the opportunity, he never contacted her. Then, a couple of years ago, the girl's mother wrote informing him of their new address. He genuinely seemed excited about the prospect of talking to his daughter again but then, in a freakish twist, we lost the envelope containing the address. Out of the blue, I managed to find the girl on a social networking site. I explained who I was and out of respect for her, I told her I would not inform her father of my discovery unless she gave me her blessing first. She politely informed me that she had no desire to speak to or get to know her father in any way. She felt that he had missed too many opportunities in the past.

I wish to respect her decision.

My husband has no idea that I found her. Should I stop encouraging him so much? Should I tell him everything? Should I not say anything and hope he finds her on his own? Wondering Wife

DEAR WONDERING: Do not let his paralysis create an atmosphere of secrecy between you. Tell your husband what you've done.

I think his daughter's reaction to this contact is completely natural and he should understand that she is as stuck as he is.

The ex-wife chose to notify your husband of her new address for a reason. The same social network that led you to this daughter would also lead your husband to his ex-wife, who should be able to broker some sort of contact.

The huge emotional weight he carries will ease the minute he makes an effort. Your job should be to support his efforts -- not to do this for him.