Repeatedly betrayed, but she stays married

DEAR AMY: I have been married for 40 years. A couple of years ago, I found out my husband has been unfaithful to me during almost all of our marriage. He claims to love this other woman but says he loves me too, and he keeps going back and forth between us, swearing he will never see her again (lies). Our two grown daughters will not associate with their father anymore. I have faced scorn because I keep trying to save the marriage. My husband has left me several times to be with this other woman but keeps coming back for various reasons, and I keep taking him back because I believe him. There is no trust or intimacy or real affection between us anymore. I do not want to give up everything I've worked so hard for all my life, and if I divorce, the other woman will get half of that. I have gone for counseling but that does no good. My friends and family think I should walk away because a leopard does not change its spots. What should I do?BetrayedDEAR BETRAYED: If you truly want to stay with your husband, then you should figure out how to happily engage in an "open" marriage with him and this other woman.

You don't seem able to do this, however. I imagine it is confusing and heartbreaking to be yanked back and forth by your husband. His behavior and your acquiescence keep you permanently off-kilter, and this is why you are so paralyzed right now.

You are not in this marriage for the sake of your family. Your kids have already checked out, and your family and friends are mystified. You need to imagine how painful your passivity and paralysis are for your children, friends and family to witness.

Clinging to a marriage because you are clinging to a lifestyle is a natural -- but shallow -- impulse. Speak to a professional counselor (or your bravest friend). Start the conversation by saying, "I'm scared and I need help."