She can't watch her sister marry an abuser

DEAR AMY: I am very confused about a decision that will most likely cause hurt feelings. My sister is gay (this isn't a problem -- I also have a gay brother). She has been in an abusive off-and-on-again relationship with "Jean" for many years. At first, they had a pretty good relationship, until alcohol entered the picture. Jean would become abusive (verbally, mentally, physically and emotionally) when she drank. Their volatile relationship ended seven years ago. My sister endured a breakdown so severe that she spent nearly a week in a psychiatric ward. My mother, her friends and I supported her though this. My sister then moved on and had other partners. Two years ago, she and Jean reunited. Since then, they have parted ways twice -- the last time was so bad I feared my sister would end up having another breakdown.

Now they are planning to marry. I love my sister and want her to be happy, but I cannot support a relationship that has been so emotionally draining. I do not want to attend my sister's wedding, nor do most of my siblings. How can any of us support a relationship that has been so abusive and watch my sister marry someone who tells her she is ugly and good for nothing?

Concerned Sister in MN

DEAR CONCERNED: You need to act on your own conscience, but this is tricky. Be aware that your refusal to attend your sister's wedding will have no impact on her choice but will alienate her from you.

For now, you should not make any statements one way or the other (because of their pattern, you can expect another breakup).

If your sister forces the issue, you should speak only for yourself and tell her, "I want you to be happy, but it breaks my heart to see you with someone who is so dangerous to you. I can't stand by and watch you marry Jean, but I want you to know that I love you and will always be in your corner -- in this case, from a distance."