She feels ambushed by parents' visits

DEAR AMY: I am a single woman living with a male roommate in a small apartment. My parents, who are in their late 60s and live six hours away, think it's OK to announce that they are visiting with one day's notice. If I say I have plans, they say, "Drop them." After years of these visit bombs, including frantic housecleaning and listening to hours of their fighting, I finally got them to stay in a hotel, but they insist on staying 45 minutes away to save a few dollars. So I drive out there, and they lay on a guilt trip. They spend the weekend criticizing me and fighting. I want to spend time with my parents, but the feeling of disrespect is so high that it seems I should avoid them altogether.

Can't Deal

DEAR CAN'T DEAL: The fact that your parents stay in a hotel is a huge step in the right direction. Not only are they not underfoot during their visit bombs, but you can escape when things get too intense.

Avoiding them completely isn't really an option because you say you want to see them -- so you'll have to manage them differently. Mix things up by doing an activity together instead of hanging around their hotel room. Don't drop important plans, and tell them in advance you'll have to leave at a specific time.

If they fight, you'll have to be brave enough to say, "This visit isn't working out. I don't like the way you're treating me, so I'm going to leave now."

DEAR AMY: The "naming rights" debate makes me sad. Do parents who favor different surnames for the kids not appreciate the unity, integrity and identity that come with all family members sharing the same last name? Mothers who pass down their surname (maiden name) are most often handing down their father's surname. If mothers are proud of the surnames given to them by their fathers, then why would they want to deprive their offspring of the same honor?Depressed